Friday, 3 January 2014

Five Easy Steps to being an Utter D**k in Hearthstone

Have you tried, filled with sincerity and naive hope, to play Hearthstone honestly and conscientiously? Using balanced cards and solid, well-thought-out decks? Have you done so and found yourself smashed for the 50th time by some who simply outplays you and has the audacity to wish you "Well Played" before finally finishing you off? Did this infuriate you beyond belief?

Perhaps you should try being a complete dick!
Being a dick is the number 1 way to get the most out of Hearthstone. Why try to learn the mechanics of the game, make value trades and maintain board control and card advantage when you could just be an utter dickwad about the whole thing and frustrate your opponent into submission?

Step 1: Remember to abuse imbalanced cards and decks. 
Build a cheesy deck which requires little more than a simple keyboard face-roll to execute. You don't want the game to distract you from your quest towards dickification - throw out your minions willy-nilly. Try warlock murloc or one of the one-turn-kill decks. Even if your opponent beats you, it's not because of you: they cheated, the game is broken and you weren't trying anyway.



Step 2: Be patient.
The race to become a dick-maestro is a marathon, not a sprint. Remember to wait out every turn and pass only when the timer is about to run out. Especially turn 1: turn 1 is the most important turn and even if you have no cards you can play it's important to give yourself the longest time possible to enjoy this moment. You and your opponent are going to have an experience together, he or she will thank you later for allowing them so much time to enjoy quite how much of a dick you are. Remember, the most important quality a dick like you can have is patience.

Step 3: Be as impatient as possible.
Your opponent is being an asshole if they make you wait any longer than 2-3 seconds before passing the turn back to you. Remind them of this fact by continuously taunting them. Say "Greetings" or even "The light shall burn you!" whenever possible. The chat clips are condescending for a reason, remember to use them as often as they are available. For maximum effect remember to pop Draxxus and shout "OBLIVION" 50 times.


Step 4: Never say "Well played".
Your opponent is a scrub and you bested them - in both the game and life. Say "Thankyou" before stealing a minion with Mind Control, a quick "Sorry about that" before finally opting to finish them off and, of course, 50 "OBLIVION"s every time you make a move will really add a dickish finesse to your playstyle.


Step 5: Never finish your opponent quickly - even if you have lethal.
Your opponent will appreciate the time you take to clear their board, taunt them a few times and shuffle the cards in your hand - perhaps even play a couple of minions and pass the turn if you know they cannot retaliate. It's all part of the dicksperience which you and your opponent are going through together: savour it! Rest assured that your opponent is most likely sitting at their computer with tears of adulation in their eyes, slowly clapping and shaking their head. "I can't believe this dick" they'll likely say.

Just follow these five simple steps, as many thousands do every day, and the path to complete and utter dickdom will open to you.
Friends and co-workers will mutter "dick" or "wow, what a dick" or even "Hey, is that X, I heard he's a complete dickhole!" as you saunter past.
Enjoy that, you dick, you've earned it.

1 comment:

  1. Ugh. I had to give up on Hearthstone. I really tried.. but I can't enjoy a game that's THAT imbalanced, it's too frustrating and not fun. I prefer the f2p Might & Magic on Steam. Much easier to create a deck you can win with via skill, and you can have a little chat with the person you're playing against if you wish. If not, don't. If they get abusive, you don't feel quite so tied in because wait times aren't horrendous, generally, so feel free to just drop out. Not that I've experienced that yet. But yes. Hearthstone. Potential ruined. Sigh. :<

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