Monday, 31 October 2011

[GW2] A Very Scary Story

It’s a cold, dark October night. It’s nearly midnight and you’re browsing the web, no doubt swaddled in a warm blanket and sipping come hot chocolate or possibly some peppermint tea (how bohemian of you). You lazily flick between Facebook, Twitter and a number of different blogs. Suddenly, a new ArenaNet blog post pops into your feed reader. “That’s odd” you think “it’s a little late for them to be posting a new blog article”. Curious, you open the page and begin to read:

“Dear service user,

Over the past few months the leaders of the various divisions of both ArenaNet and NCSoft have met on numerous occasions to discuss the future of the project formerly known as “Guild Wars 2”. As a result of these meetings it is with deep regret that I must now inform you that the project formerly known as “Guild Wars 2” has been suspended indefinitely. This decision was formalised yesterday, but has been informally accepted by almost all members of staff since April 2010.

All previous demo gameplay was constructed on dummy servers in the weeks preceding each event. The 40 minute time limit was imposed to prevent the player from running out of the zone and into unconstructed space. All races, professions and all other miscellaneous videos were created through “stop animation” using cardboard, sticky-back-plastic and Uhu Glue. All landscape and character concept art was drawn by “Harry the sandwich guy” who brings us our lunches on Mondays, Thursdays and every other Friday, in exchange for a quick handie round the back of the building.

The “Alpha testing” phase has consisted of us ordering in pizza, browsing Facebook and playing Twister with the cleaning staff.

In an effort to scrape back the funds which our design team blew on the slots at Las Vegas, the charr plushes were made of several carcinogenic materials in a factory in Vietnam. One spark and they will burn up in 6.7 seconds and release a gas which causes blindness. Keep out of reach of children.

Colin Johansson was, in fact, a cleverly constructed android - programmed only to promote the game and kill on command. He has now been disassembled due to patent conflicts with Apple.

We feel very sorry about deceiving you all over the past 2 years; pretending to be working hard to bring you the most revolutionary MMO ever seen and instead spending the funding on fast food, fancy holidays and Farmville gold.

So, as a way of apology we will be offering a 25% discount on all Guild Wars cash-shop items.
Please buy the costumes; we’ve worked very hard on them.

Yours faithfully,

The Community Management Team”

Happy Halloween


  1. "Colin Johansson was, in fact, a cleverly constructed android - programmed only to promote the game and kill on command."

    I see you understand the concept of mixing in a little bit of truth to help the listener accept the lie.101

    The scariest word in the gamer's lexicon; "Vaporware!" (BOO)



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